SUNI this is for you - EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL What it means ? How you can overcome this ?
Today me and one of my very good friends had an argument on emotional blackmail article, which I have previously written in this Blog, a day or two back.
She doesn't believe EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL actually exists. So, I had to convince her that I would be writing an article on what EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL is all about and to check if she would agree it exists.
Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten (either directly or indirectly) to punish us if we don't do what they want. At the heart of any kind of blackmail is one basic threat, which can be expressed in many different ways: If you don't behave the way I want you to, you will suffer. A criminal blackmailer might threaten to use knowledge about a person's past to ruin her reputation, or ask to be paid off in cash to hide a secret. Emotional blackmail hits closer to home. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationship with them. They know our vulnerabilities. Often they know our deepest secret. And no matter how much they care about us, when they fear they won't go their way, they use this intimate knowledge to shape the threats that give them the payoff they want: our compliance. Knowing that we want love or approval, our blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether, or make feel we must earn it. For example, if you pride yourself being generous and caring, the blackmailer might label you selfish or inconsiderate if you don't accede to his wishes. If you value money and security, the blackmailer might attach conditions to providing them or threaten to take them away. And if you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting him control your decisions and behavior. We get locked into a dance with blackmail, a dance with myriad steps, shapes and partners.
Emotional blackmailers hate to lose. They take the old adage "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game", and turn it on its head to read, "It doesn't matter how you play the game as long as you do not lose." To an emotional blackmailer, keeping your trust doesn't count, respecting your feelings doesn't count, being fair doesn't count. The ground rules that allow for healthy give-and-take go out the window. In the midst of what we thought was a solid relationship it's as though someone yelled "Everyone for himself!" and the other person lumped to take advantage of us while our guard was down. Why is winning so important to blackmailers, we ask ourselves. Why are they doing this to us? Why do they need to get their way so badly that they'll punish us if they don't?
E.g.: Emotional Blackmailers:
Threaten to make things difficult if you don't do what they want.
Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don't give in.
Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants.
Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves, or become depressed if you don't do what they want.
Shower you with approval when you give into them and take it away when you don't.
Use money as a weapon to get their own way.
Below are some specific ways to answer the most common types of responses. It can't emphasize too strongly how important it is to practice saying these statements until they feel natural to you. How to respond to the other person's catastrophic predictions and threats. Punishers and self-punishers may try pressuring you to change your decision by bombarding you with visions of the extreme negative consequences of doing what you've decided to do. It's never easy to resist the fear that their bleak vision will come to pass, especially when the theme they're pounding home is "Bad things will happen - and it'll be your fault." But hold your ground
When they say: Then you say:
If you don't take care of me, I'll wind up in the hospital/on the street/unable to work. * That's your choice.
* You'll never see your kids again. * I hope you won't do that, but I've made my decision. * I know you're very angry right now. When you've had a chance to think about this, maybe you'll change your mind.
* You'll destroy this family. * Why don't we talk about this again when you're less upset?
* You're not my child anymore. *Maybe you'll change your mind
* I'm cutting you out of my will. * Why don't we talk about this again when you're less upset?
* I'll get sick. * Threats/suffering/tears aren't going to work anymore
* I can't make it without you.
* I'll make you suffer. * I'm sorry you're upset
* You'll be sorry.
* I can't believe you're being so selfish. This isn't like you. You're only thinking of yourself. You never think about my feelings. * You're entitled to your opinion.
* I really thought you were different from the other women/men I've been with. I guess I was wrong. * That could be.
* You may be right.
* That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
I frankly thing EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL need to be kept in mind whenever a person talks so that he know what he /she is talking about. Please feed in your comments as to what do you think on this?
If you want to know more on EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL write back and I would be more than glad to explain in detail.
She doesn't believe EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL actually exists. So, I had to convince her that I would be writing an article on what EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL is all about and to check if she would agree it exists.
Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten (either directly or indirectly) to punish us if we don't do what they want. At the heart of any kind of blackmail is one basic threat, which can be expressed in many different ways: If you don't behave the way I want you to, you will suffer. A criminal blackmailer might threaten to use knowledge about a person's past to ruin her reputation, or ask to be paid off in cash to hide a secret. Emotional blackmail hits closer to home. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationship with them. They know our vulnerabilities. Often they know our deepest secret. And no matter how much they care about us, when they fear they won't go their way, they use this intimate knowledge to shape the threats that give them the payoff they want: our compliance. Knowing that we want love or approval, our blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether, or make feel we must earn it. For example, if you pride yourself being generous and caring, the blackmailer might label you selfish or inconsiderate if you don't accede to his wishes. If you value money and security, the blackmailer might attach conditions to providing them or threaten to take them away. And if you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting him control your decisions and behavior. We get locked into a dance with blackmail, a dance with myriad steps, shapes and partners.
Emotional blackmailers hate to lose. They take the old adage "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game", and turn it on its head to read, "It doesn't matter how you play the game as long as you do not lose." To an emotional blackmailer, keeping your trust doesn't count, respecting your feelings doesn't count, being fair doesn't count. The ground rules that allow for healthy give-and-take go out the window. In the midst of what we thought was a solid relationship it's as though someone yelled "Everyone for himself!" and the other person lumped to take advantage of us while our guard was down. Why is winning so important to blackmailers, we ask ourselves. Why are they doing this to us? Why do they need to get their way so badly that they'll punish us if they don't?
E.g.: Emotional Blackmailers:
Threaten to make things difficult if you don't do what they want.
Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don't give in.
Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants.
Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves, or become depressed if you don't do what they want.
Shower you with approval when you give into them and take it away when you don't.
Use money as a weapon to get their own way.
Below are some specific ways to answer the most common types of responses. It can't emphasize too strongly how important it is to practice saying these statements until they feel natural to you. How to respond to the other person's catastrophic predictions and threats. Punishers and self-punishers may try pressuring you to change your decision by bombarding you with visions of the extreme negative consequences of doing what you've decided to do. It's never easy to resist the fear that their bleak vision will come to pass, especially when the theme they're pounding home is "Bad things will happen - and it'll be your fault." But hold your ground
When they say: Then you say:
If you don't take care of me, I'll wind up in the hospital/on the street/unable to work. * That's your choice.
* You'll never see your kids again. * I hope you won't do that, but I've made my decision. * I know you're very angry right now. When you've had a chance to think about this, maybe you'll change your mind.
* You'll destroy this family. * Why don't we talk about this again when you're less upset?
* You're not my child anymore. *Maybe you'll change your mind
* I'm cutting you out of my will. * Why don't we talk about this again when you're less upset?
* I'll get sick. * Threats/suffering/tears aren't going to work anymore
* I can't make it without you.
* I'll make you suffer. * I'm sorry you're upset
* You'll be sorry.
* I can't believe you're being so selfish. This isn't like you. You're only thinking of yourself. You never think about my feelings. * You're entitled to your opinion.
* I really thought you were different from the other women/men I've been with. I guess I was wrong. * That could be.
* You may be right.
* That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
I frankly thing EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL need to be kept in mind whenever a person talks so that he know what he /she is talking about. Please feed in your comments as to what do you think on this?
If you want to know more on EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL write back and I would be more than glad to explain in detail.
posted by Srini at 5/08/2005 11:41:00 AM
5 comments
